A repair attempt is anything you say or do to stop an argument from getting worse: "Can I start over?", a hand on the arm, a bad joke that lands. It doesn't resolve the disagreement. It keeps the conversation from going somewhere you'll both regret, so that you can get back to the real issue.
Where the term comes from
The term comes from John Gottman's research on couples. Therapist Zach Brittle, writing for the Gottman Institute, describes Gottman's definition: any statement or action, silly or otherwise, that stops negativity from escalating out of control. Brittle also says that consistently failing at repair is a sign of an unhappy future, and that a marriage can survive the destructive patterns the Gottmans call the Four Horsemen, criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, but only if partners learn to repair.
Note the two-sided wording in the Institute's relationship recipes: couples who manage problems well "offer and respond to repair attempts". Making one is half the skill. Responding is the other half.
The Institute's Repair Checklist sorts these moves into four groups, called I FEEL, SORRY, GET TO YES and STOP ACTION. Brittle also describes one couple who kept a yellow flag, like a football referee's, that either partner could throw to halt an argument. He notes one phrase that doesn't work: "calm down".
What repair sounds like over chores
All of these are our own examples, set in the arguments people actually have:
- Over the dishes. "That came out harsher than I meant. Can I try again?"
- Over money. "We're both getting loud. I don't think either of us means this. Can we take 20 minutes?"
- Over the in-laws. "You're right that I got defensive. What you said about Sunday was fair."
- Over who forgot the form. "I'm on your side. I don't want to fight about a form. What do we do about it now?"
- Over nothing, at 11 p.m. "I'm exhausted, and I'm being a jerk. Can we pick this up at breakfast?"
- No words at all. A goofy face from across the kitchen. Your private family signal. Handing your partner a cup of tea and sitting down.
A repair doesn't need to be polished. Some work simply because they're familiar.
What it is not
- It is not a resolution. The wet towel still needs a home. Repair gets you back to talking about the towel.
- It is not an apology you use to end the discussion. "Sorry, okay?" with a flat voice closes the topic. A real repair keeps it open.
- It is not using humor to dodge. A joke can be a repair, but if the issue never comes back, it was an escape.
- It is not an obligation to forgive. Your partner can accept a pause without agreeing or being ready to make up.
- It is not for situations involving fear or threats. Repair skills assume two people who both feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, nobody should ask you to smooth things over. Please see our safety page.
How to get better at it
Agree on your repairs when you're not fighting, because that's when you can hear each other.
Step 1. Over coffee, ask: "When we're getting heated, what could I say that would actually help?" Each write down two phrases.
Step 2. Pick a signal. It can be a word, a gesture, or a flag if you like Brittle's couple's idea.
Step 3. Agree on a rule for taking a break: who calls it, how long, and who brings it back up. The Gottman Institute suggests about 20 minutes on something calming if someone is flooded.
Step 4. Practice receiving one. When your partner makes an attempt, even a clumsy one, try:
"Okay. Thanks for that. I'm still upset about the money, but I'd like to talk about it."
Step 5. Return to the issue. If it's practical, decide who owns the next step. Tiptoe's weekly check-in turns decisions into tasks with an owner, and writing it on the fridge works just as well. Everyday versions of this conversation are in how to bring up something small.
Repair attempt vs soft start
A soft start happens at the beginning and aims to prevent the slide. A repair attempt happens once it has started. "Could we find a place for the towels?" is a soft start. "I started that badly. Can I try again?" is a repair. You'll need both, because no one starts softly every time. Repair is the skill that lets you recover from having started badly.
Questions about repair attempt
What are examples of repair attempts?
"Can I start over?", "That came out wrong", "I'm feeling defensive", "Can we take a break?", a shared joke or a touch on the arm. Any move can work if it slows the argument and your partner can accept it.
What if my husband or wife ignores my repair attempts?
Pick a calm time to ask what would work for them, because a move that helps you may not land for them. Also check timing, since someone flooded may not be able to take it in. Repeated dismissal is worth raising, with a counselor if needed.
Does a repair attempt mean the argument is over?
No. It means the argument has stopped getting worse. The issue still needs an answer, and it helps to name a time to come back to it so that the repair doesn't turn into avoidance.
